follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Spotted in the wild
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Merica.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
