Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off