Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.