Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
yeah 😭
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.