Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.