Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money