Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.