Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours