Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way