Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?