Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off