Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…