Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.