“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
When you’ve simply given up.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
for all #parents out there
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant