“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm