“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
is this a threat
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.