Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

See..?

.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

Best mom ever 😂

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said