Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Hot hot hot 🥵

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.