Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”