Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.