Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
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Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed