“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake