Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
