Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff