Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*