Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
new wife guy just dropped
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
