Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
