Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
