Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
back to work
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
