Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜