[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works