[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”