Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.