Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
General: We need aerial support now!
Captain: *confused* I’m glad she had a happy ending, she deserved more than the ocean could give her sir!
Windows
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.