Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?