Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.