Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
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