Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”