Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.