Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.