Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”