Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!