*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.