@JaneBadall

Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.

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@daemonic3

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@Midgetspar

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

@Donna_McCoy

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..