PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I think i just found this ice cream cone’s g-spot
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!
Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]