9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
me and my fake scenarios
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.