Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?