fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want