Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Family Celebrity
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
🙄😏😂🤣
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible