Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

The first one, obviously

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*