Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Can’t. About to go please some beans

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr