Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot