Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Barbie gone wild

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.