Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?