Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

Rooting for the overdog

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!