Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Social distancing in Australia:

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Cat or sheep