Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I hope Alan is OK
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
channeling her this year
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
i love modern commerce
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
