Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me too 😆
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john