Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.