Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.