Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics