Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Guys, I found it.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
welp
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!