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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash