Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wise advice

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?