“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
For those that worship cheese..
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart