Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Don’t frighten the programmers!

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me