Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.