Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

oppen heimer style lol

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?