Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

omg leave her alone

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.