Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Phonetics
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
I lost a peanut butter m&m in my bed and now I’m afraid about where I’m gonna find it
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.