Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I am a gravy boat captain
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
What the hell is going on?
Science is fun!
#nottrue
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis