food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker