Food gives you energy to nap more.
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Yup.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Awwwww shit.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew