Food gives you energy to nap more.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
How is it still this week?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
#FunnyLife Insects
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen