FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”